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POOF
Our life is not even
a breath from the gaping mouth of eternity
and sometimes it
seems so long
and every tenth time
that the trees shed
all their leaves
we look back and stare at three thousand six hundred and fifty yesterdays
that flew by like a decade on a jet, in
disbelief
and suddenly
our mind
is a theatre
showing all the
films of
our memory
of lovers
our dogs
and
our cats
and babies
and our triumphs
and failures
and our great friends
and our mighty
foes
all of life's
trinkets
and trophies
and
Catastrophes
as our life is
sucked through
the vacuum
of time
and we die
and after that
more years
and decades fly
and then there's
no one left to remember us
-David Colbert
I have been a personal care attendant for several months now and can't find sufficient hours. All I have is ten hours a week. I've been out to a couple other places to interview with clients. One client was the one who's wife spoke for him because he was bedridden. " Do you know how to change diapers on 160 pound man?" she asked me. " I could learn real easy." I replied back. " "I'm sorry, I need someone with experience. " The woman looked very sad that she was not finding anyone qualified to take care of her husband. I was o.k with her reasoning not to hire me. I grew frustrated with the company I work for and I haven't called them for work in several months. It makes me angry that they aren't looking out for me. A couple of days ago, I was reading the paper and this article caught my attention. There was story of this woman who killed her husband because she was too stressed out to take care of him. This was the same lady that had interviewed me. I felt a little angry and sad that she wouldn't have trained me. Her husband would have been alive today and she would not be facing murder charges. I'm not sure if God is trying to show me something here. It really shocked me to hear this. Here is just a face in the news about some man that I never saw, who I was supposed to work for. I wonder if the outcome would have been different if she had hired me.
Monsters of Guadalupe
Dark pavement hearts
a parade of scowls
and stony pissed off
glares
for the filthy smashed
souls
spit out
of the mouth of
the poverty dinosaur
and the world has more
time to give their
turds to the toilet
than the bums
on Guadalupe St
that give every last misery
to the brown bottle
and lay like dead scarecrows
dehydrating in the sun
the dream babies
of hopeful mothers
and fathers
sucked away
by beer
and whiskey
and heroin
and jail
twenty or thirty
years ago they were
cute beautiful
infants
and now they're just sad
wilted sunflowers
dangling out
the tarnished
trash can
of failure
If feel doomed by this economy. It is just starting to sink in that everyone can lose their job. No one is immune to the toll of this. So many people have given up on even looking for one. I am one of them . I don't care anymore about a job. If you do get a job, what if you're looking for another a month later because they've laid you off. Workers don't mean anything to these people (employers). The biggest problem with the world is that there is no such thing as a permanent job or that you're even promised to find one. Everyone thinks they're your dad if you don't have a job. What business is it of theirs that I am not working? I realized that the system is flawed. If there is no work there are no jobs or at least any that have more than fifteen hours a week and don't pay slave wages. These jobs won't make a landlord happy. Try to pay rent with this or even buying groceries if you can't afford a kitchen. I quit. You can not get ahead of your butt in this world if you aren't popular. I don't think I've ever been as disenchanted as I am now. You can be what you want to be if enough people kiss your ass. The power of positive thinking only works with sex symbols and rocket scientists. All the successful black people almost look white. If you are ugly or different or not white enough the world will tell you to go away. I don't care what you tell me, this is the honest to God truth.
Sometimes I wonder if God picks his days to hear people. Sometimes I think he doesn't listen to me at all. I need to have something tangible from him, so I know for certain that I am not losing my mind. Many times I feel crazy waiting for God. It's a good thing i don't hang with people that tell me I don't have enough faith when my life sucks. I've always sort of believed there was a God. If I hang out with Christians they'll tell me I am right. I honestly hope I am right that there is a Messiah because quite frankly I need one. If I talk to God all the time, why doesn't he speak to me,or at least say good morning. I thank him for the food he gives us and no matter how thankful I am, I never hear," YOUR WELCOME DAVID." If God loves us why doesn't he ever say that. Why doesn't he ever tell us that he loves to give, like we do. It would be a lot different if we could just hear one word in our life from God or if he was even a little nicer and said," David you bring joy to my heart." Or " David you're really screwing up right now!!!!!!!!!!" I want to hear God. I want to be frightened by his voice. If I was horrified at least I would know if he was real for sure. I know God is real, but hallucinations are real if you are done, checked out of this world ,crazy. Why does spirituality feel so unhealthy? Is there a horrible side effect if you really want to have faith? Maybe I do need medication. The crazy people really do hear something that is obviously God to them. If I really did hear God or had a conversation with him, the church would think I'm crazy. So, maybe I'm crazy for wanting to hear the voice of God. If God talked audibly there'd be a lot less confusion. No one could possibly dismiss the fear of the Lord.
Sometimes I'm such a hypocrite. I long to live righteously and I get tired of hearing people say," Everyone is hypocrite, Dave. " This not how God wants us to live. I hurt inside because no matter how much I pray and fuss I always end up being hypocritical. I long to live in a way that the world will know that Christ lives in me. I have a nasty temper sometimes. It disappoints me ( breaks my heart) that I punch people back when they punch me. Can I have victory over this? I speak hateful towards people who hate me. Sometimes I really wish I was mean enough to seriously hurt them. God does not let me get to carried away but he does allow me to retaliate. I want so bad for God to take this away from me. It gets harder and harder to not be selfish. I long so badly to just die and go be with God sometimes rather than to sin. Sin tears me apart inside, it cuts me to the heart when I disappoint God. The cross is not enough for me because I love God so much, I wish I didn't need God's grace. I wish God just made us perfect. Will somebody pray for me right now? I am bawling right now and I can't even see the page. I hate to think that we are all doomed to be hypocrites. I have destroyed my witness with people because of my anger. I love God, but sometimes I really do hate my life. If I do everything right, everyone will walk all over me. I look like a bitch to all the people who talk trash to me when I don't do something about it. I can't be a man anymore because of Christ. Sometimes I feel like my heart is be pulled in two directions by tractors. Surrendering your life to God really does make you look like a blooming idiot. Christ is making me insane. I am crazy for Christ because I hate this fucking world we live in and most of the time, I hate the people too. This is what happens when you love people too much. You want to see great thing happen in peoples lives and they hate you for hoping and praying for them. I need help, the kind that only God can give me. Where are you God? I wish I could just quit loving God sometimes.
I often prefer friends who anger me from time to time. Though I get angry, it helps me to see where I am living wrong. Offending me can be ugly but if you are in the right, I will tell you so, as soon as I calm down. You can not sharpen iron without a coarse stone, something to scrape it. If you want to stay sharp in Christ , you need to be scraped(rebuked, corrected and trained in righteousness).
2 Timothy 3:15-17 (King James Version)
15And that from a child thou hast known the holy scriptures, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
16All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
17That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.
My feelings have been hurt many times over the years when people point out my faults, but without these moments I never would have grown. Jerks are just like a root canals. Nobody likes them much,but you need them sometimes. If you don't have difficult people in your life your patience will be very low. Some people are hard on you because they care about you. If your friends always makes you happy, you might fall off a cliff someday into some pit of deep woe. You need people to lead and follow and people to frustrate you till it's maddening sometimes. This develops character: Romans 5 (New King James Version)
Romans 5
Faith Triumphs in Trouble
1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have[a] peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
I discovered how Satan tries to get me, and by the way he does a good job of it. He tries to get me to be crass and foolish. His hope is that I will start justifying the smallest microscopic work of iniquity. He is like a tiny mosquito( but it hums Beethoven) that can crawl through the smallest crack in the window of your soul. He is loud enough that you can hear him through the glass. You let him in because you love his music. When he gets in, he starts sucking your entire life out of you. He has an appetite bigger than any other mosquito. It really feels beautiful when he bites you and by the time you start to feel it, you are totally drained of the lifeblood ( the holy spirit). This beautiful mosquito knows exactly what music you like. After you smash him, he comes back to life about three weeks later. Then it comes and you hear "Ode to Joy". He tickles your ears and you forget what he did the last time. Then the cycle repeats itself. I The trick is that we need to say to ourselves, "Hmmm... this sounds very familiar..." If we don't, we will have to face the music again. The music is always tantalizing to our ears and we open the window again. Maybe just one day, we'll be smart enough not to open the window. We will always hear the music until the day we die, but we don't have to open the window. He is very cunning, but once we figure out all his games, he isn't even good background music. I wonder if this is it. The slightest voice we hear, that makes us argue with ourselves, might make us fall completely apart again. We need to test the spirits. Here is a passage on this subject from ephesians chapter six.
10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13
14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
I have been a funk lately. Satan has been really enjoying himself. It seems to be without fail that when you stop reading your bible, everything falls apart. It really is like water, If you don't drink it(read the word, the living water) you start to wilt. The devil likes to trick me into not reading the bible. I have been wrong on my theory of how I read the bible. I usually read a whole lot of it, then stop for several months. I am learning that Satan is waiting for us to get bored of reading...or to get bored of praying and worshiping. I had a revelation today. If you never cease to praise God, there is no possible way that you can sin. The only way this (worship) can be a continual happening is if you are tired of all the spiritual side effects. I repent for my godlessness, right now. I think we can link regression directly to being out of the word. The trick here is just like the trick to not missing church. You have to tell Satan he is a liar and tell God he (Satan) is right about your sin and entirely wrong about where our righteousness comes from. There is absolutely no good reason to stop reading your bible. I get tricked into this a lot. Hopefully this is the beginning of real sanctification in my life. I think I have finally isolated the virus( for myself) that causes me to get sick spiritually. I hope that people can keep me accountable for this. The Word of God is air, without it we start to die in the spirit. If you ain't got no water ( the Word of God) your boat ain't gonna float. I used " ain't" because ain't ain't a word and if you ain't got the word, you ain't got nothing. I see it clear as the moon that this is truly what causes everything to collapse in a person's life. May this be the secret that makes Satan absolutely powerless against us. I know that this is nothing new, but it just finally sank in. Here it is in scripture.
Romans 10:17
- So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Everyone has motives, no matter how hard they deny it. If you put two men side by side, who are just as sweet and just as good looking, a woman will take the one with the most money. If women are all about security, they may not stay with their husband if he loses all his money. Money is the leading cause of divorce. Some rather shallow people will pick a lover only because they are beautiful. If this is the case, what happens when they get old? Some people are kind just to get the approval of others. What happens when there is no one around to see their generosity? They're more than likely, no longer generous. The guy who has all the parties, everyone loves this guy. Will people stick around if for some reason he doesn't do parties anymore? I have motives about things and it does upset me. I actually care that I do have motives. If your honest, most people would love to hang out with beautiful people than people who are not blessed with good looks. I think sometimes I am rather shallow in this area too. I need God to help me with this. Will we always be shallow? There are truths that are very painful. Someone is probably thinking, "David stop generalizing!!" I observe that men will stay around longer at a party if there are good looking women there. People hate it when I talk about this? Why don't you see many hideous looking people at parties. Most of the time they are not invited. If an unattractive person is invited to a party, it is because he is able to make a party fun. I have lost confidence in the idea that we are thoughtful people. I'm pretty thoughtless sometimes. I don't want to be, but I am. The truth of human nature scarcely changes when you are Christian. There are changes, but some of it is more pretending than sincerity. We pretend with the hope that things will change. Sometimes this makes me cynical about Christianity. Can we really be righteous? Can our hearts be totally sincere? I feel hopeless in these moments of my wondering and it really makes me doubt God. My heart tells me differently that there is a God.
The things that we deem the most important often don't amount to anything. Some people spend all their energy on being beautiful. This is vain and a form of self worship. These are the ones who make themselves a God. I know that sin is sin, but this might be the most worthless form of worship. Narcissism makes you empty of any value to the world. It takes your soul away. If you're always worshipping your appearance, how can you grow in maturity or spirituality? Everyone looks forward to some event. They spend a thousand dollars for it and years later they barely remember it. I love football. I waste a lot of time talking about it. I get upset if my team loses and doesn't get a decent bowl game and at the end of the year I forget about it. It doesn't matter anymore. We worry so much about being popular, and then we find out that one day a Homecoming Queen will die old and lonely. We all chase after the wind, even if it isn't even windy. Nothing on this Earth will be as important as your judgement from God. I don't have any friends from when I was a kid. People move on and they move further and further away. God is the best friend you'll ever have. He loves you whether you are ugly as a pug dog or as beautiful as a sunny day, and he never leaves you. I promise you that most of life is truly worthless. You don't have to worship your self any more there is a God who really, really LOVES YOU!!, so much more than you know.
Today is my birthday. I am 37 and trying to feel younger every day. Birthdays are kind of like New Years day. You definitely see where you have grown and where you have completely fallen apart. Ten years ago I spent my birthday with my sister in Hawaii. I was also in a transition in my life as I am now. I had lots of energy back then and could do lots of superhuman feats like carry sofas down the street, sometimes three blocks. I used to go to the thrift store and by furniture for my apartment. I seldom knew of anyone who had a truck, so I would carry couches and cabinets over my head. I didn't make many excuses for not doing anything, I thought I was a God of strength. I've spent a few of my birthdays entirely alone without anyone to celebrate it. I have been poor my whole adult life, but fortunately that is not what makes a good person. I used to be quite violent and angry when I was in my twenties. I really hated life and everyone in it. I used to yell and scream at people if I wasn't right or if they even slightly upset me. I was also severely depressed much of the time. If I could live some of these years again, I would have not ever started drinking and I would have tried harder in school. It's so hard to motivate your self when you don't care about anything. I used to see how long I could go without crying, and this I feel was one of my mistakes. I used to be embarrassed to cry. If this is inside of us all( the desire to cry) it must be very natural. Life is really hard when you are sensitive, especially when you are a man. I think in the years I've gotten less sensitive and more proactive. I often long to be sensitive in some of the areas I used to be. I wasted a great deal of my life trying to be " THE MAN". I had more women in my life then, but I felt like my whole life was an act. I didn't feel like I had any substance to me. I am glad I don't get in fist fights anymore. Much of the time I worried about how I would ever get violence out of my life. I owe all my thanks to God, who sanctifies me daily. I need him. If it weren't for his love I would not be alive, to celebrate birthdays. I do see drastic changes in my life. If I could tell you one thing, it is most definitely o.k. to weep if you are a guy. This is what God likes. He loves a man that cries. A man who cries is close to God.
I fall on my face a lot when I read the scriptures. The more I read the more it humbles me. I'm not sure what all I am right about. Reading the bible gets hard for me because everything has been forgiven at one time or another. There are places where God goes back on his word. Here is one of several examples of this:
Exodus 32: 14. "Then the LORD relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened."
This type of language appears quite a few times in the old testament. I know god is not confused or a liar. So, what does this mean. I tell you, honestly, I don't know. Either God is really fair or very forgetful. The Word of God says lots of things and then says the opposite in other places. I don't know how much to take literally because if you do, you won't know what you believe. There are at least fifty doctrines out there. Every one of them believes their right. If this is so, how do you know that you are really living right. This is why I am trying to stop saying anything about God. It used to be a sin to say the word "God" in public. It in itself was blasphemy. He must not have wanted us to say what he going to do. Maybe we might end up feeling ripped off when we go to hell and the people we judged so harshly are wearing crowns on their heads. I am not sure I want to delve too much into the mind of God. What if I am wrong about everything? I wonder if I should just be silent. If I am not God. How can I say what he will do, if there is a possible chance he will change his own mind. If he has before, can he do it again?
