A morning without church

I can't go to church this morning, some bug has got me . Church is one of the things I love the most.  For a long time I  was hating it. Wherever I worship the spirit will come, but something about church just blows the hair off my head. Though the music tickles my ears, I don't believe that that is what makes me lose it. Little Richard will make me dance my backside up a mountain, but it doesn't fill me with the soul of God. My soul doesn't sing when I sing" My SOUL SINGS" I  howl to that song and cry. I lose control of myself sometimes when I start my praise engine. I feel like a screaming jet whose wheels almost get off the runway. Sometimes I think if I got anymore revved up I could fly. Worship really is food to me, rocket fuel for my week. Do you ever feel God like this? I wonder sometime if I am crazy because of how much I long to hear God's voice. Every morning I look in the Bible to see if God is trying to tell me something, just for me. I need to hear stuff like this..... When I feel like my life has no meaning and I dig my fingers deep into the cliff of sanity.......... screaming at the sky in despair. I always hear God in some way. A lot of the time it's not what I want to hear. I need church. It is my backbone. I need God to help me love the people there. Some people like to steal your joy at church. "Oh God help me love them......" How do you love someone as God has loved you? I don't care if I'm pretty enough for church. Am I pretty enough for God?  Are you pretty enough for God?  Is your soul pretty? That is what God will see, only the beauty of your soul. I go to church for God.... because I love him..... more than my harmonica.... more than my cd..... I want to throw it away. I don't want to be a musician anymore. I just want to love God. Maybe God will never bring me a wife but his gift surpasses any joy of marriage."God I love you......you are my dad.....and I don't care what you give me, for I will praise your name when I eat dust or when I am in lake of misery. The things of this Earth are growing very dim for me. I breath your hope God. Nothing means anything to me, no matter how much joy I have. Without you Oh God I am just a fire slowly burning out to blow away in the wind.... to become nothing......... nothing but ashes. Oh God tell me today that I'm not crazy.  I need you........ more than my life.  I am hungry for your word......  Lord, give me peace today. May all the people of this Earth see your glory. I hope I haven't lost my mind, but if I have, maybe the mind that I have now is better."