A different type of abuse

After a whole life of different nasty types of abuse from people, I discovered a form of it that can destroy your whole soul. This is a long story, but I will get to my point. Ten years ago I had a severe meltdown into depression. My father had died the year before and I could not suck down the feelings anymore. I never dealt with it, I didn't have time or the money. When you work bad jobs, you don't have the luxury to take time to heal from a death in the family. Anyone would go broke from doing this. One day I had enough of sorrow, more than a plate could hold and I just walked out of my job. I sat around and lived on public housing until I got the inherritance. It was about ten thousand dollars. On a whim, I ran to the greyhound and got on the bus. I went down to Mexico. I was amazed out how wild the place was. You could buy someone's soul down there for four hundred dollars. or so it seemed. I drank(which I no longer do anymore to get drunk) and hung out at random peoples houses that I met. Everyone wanted your money. I spent money on all the things you should not spend it on. I was severely depressed and in need intimacy. On the edge of my life, I had decided I would kill myself when the money was gone. I had sex with prostitutes and did very nasty things with them. This destroyed my heart, I knew I was sick and needed lots of help. I cried every day and got more and more sad. That and the Montezuma's revenge made me want to die. I wanted my mom and my dad and a thousand angels to come hold me. I knew I had blown it and thought that God would never forgive me. I was not able to commit suicide. I whittled down the money faster than I had thought. I called and asked my mom if I could come home and stay for a while. She didn't seem even bothered that I asked. I rode the train to Washington state worried about myself like I had never been before. I stayed at my mom's house and cried and looked for a job and could not find one. I went to Spokane a few times to distract myself from my misery. I loved Spokane. The place seemed almost perfect to live. I was too drained to look for work, so, I didn't make any effort to set up there. I left Washington when the money ran low. I was falling apart and need some arms to fall into. I rode the Greyhound to Kansas City to see a friend of mine who at the time wintered in Austin. We spent a few great days together and then I had to figure out something because I only had a thousand dollars left. I was getting more and more frail emotionally and crying at the drop of a hat. I felt like my soul was fingernails that were dug into the edge of a cliff. I was falling into a deep lake of misery. I met this girl one day and she brought me and another homeless guy to a lunch party at her house. I tryed to tell them about me, but I could not stop crying. They took me to church with them. I took Jesus back that night. I felt a little comfort for the first time in months. I still did not know what to do. The next day I went back there to the church to see if they could help me. Everyone there said they could not do anything for me. I fell down under a tree in front of the church, full of sorrow and wept. This big guy named mike, that I had met the day before at a the party walked out of the church. He came up to me and said, "Are you still crying? Weren't you crying yesterday?" I nodded my head and said that I didn't care if I died underneath the tree, I don't think I've ever felt so sad before or since then. I was just sorrow. He invited me out to lunch with his girlfriend and I cried all the way there and all the way through lunch. "You know, Pastor Troy is building a ranch for summer retreats, maybe he can use your help." This was enough to get me to stop crying. He let me sleep in his apartment under the church that night. The next day he introduced me to Troy. They did a criminal background check on me and then sent me to work at the camp the days were long and hard sometimes sixteen hours. I learned that they didn't pay you anything and barely fed you. When I was so hungry and exhausted that I couldn't take it and I hitchhiked back to K.C. I called Troy and told him his camp sucked. He then told me I could stay at his house. I started working there at the church as a janitor. I confronted him and told him I wanted to see some money for my work. He said," I can only pay a hundred and fifty every two weeks. You can stay at my house until Mike gets married. Then you can live in the apartment." I worked all the time with the church;it seemed like every minute. The paychecks were always very late and sometimes I starved. I would see Troy go out and eat with ten people all the time. He always had money to eat out, but he didn't care about the men that worked for him. Temper seemd to be a major part of his life. He yelled at everyone that worked for him. I heard him insult people.Sometimes he would insult me about my weight or my appearance. He and his staff would manipulate you and tell you that life was not all about you if, if you didn't let them suck up every minute of your life. They would tell you that God wanted you to submit to them. They always sat around and surfed the internet. After a while, I realized that Troy would always give these sermons that made it easy for him to manipulate you. They were always very similar in nature. "Shut up no one want to hear your drama" "No one wants to be around a fat person" Almost all of his sermons were in some way insulting and elitist. My whole experience there was for the most part, a giant guilt trip. I stopped going after a while and eventually left K.C. I came back to Austin totally exhausted about church. For the most part I try not to get to involved too deeply with church. I don't want to be hurt how I was ever again. Spiritual abuse is the worst kind ever. There is no one to run to when you hate church. I love God enough that I was able to recover from all the damage. Don't let anyone manipulate you.