Reflections on my 37th birthday

Today is my birthday. I am 37 and trying to feel younger every day. Birthdays are kind of like New Years day. You definitely see where you have grown and where you have completely fallen apart. Ten years ago I spent my birthday with my sister in Hawaii. I was also in a transition in my life as I am now. I had lots of energy back then and could do lots of superhuman feats like carry sofas down the street, sometimes three blocks. I used to go to the thrift store and by furniture for my apartment. I seldom knew of anyone who had a truck, so I would carry couches and cabinets over my head. I didn't make many excuses for not doing anything, I thought I was a God of strength. I've spent a few of my birthdays entirely alone without anyone to celebrate it. I have been poor my whole adult life, but fortunately that is not what makes a good person. I used to be quite violent and angry when I was in my twenties. I really hated life and everyone in it. I used to yell and scream at people if I wasn't right or if they even slightly upset me. I was also severely depressed much of the time. If I could live some of these years again, I would have not ever started drinking and I would have tried harder in school. It's so hard to motivate your self when you don't care about anything. I used to see how long I could go without crying, and this I feel was one of my mistakes. I used to be embarrassed to cry. If this is inside of us all( the desire to cry) it must be very natural. Life is really hard when you are sensitive, especially when you are a man. I think in the years I've gotten less sensitive and more proactive. I often long to be sensitive in some of the areas I used to be. I wasted a great deal of my life trying to be " THE MAN". I had more women in my life then, but I felt like my whole life was an act. I didn't feel like I had any substance to me. I am glad I don't get in fist fights anymore. Much of the time I worried about how I would ever get violence out of my life. I owe all my thanks to God, who sanctifies me daily. I need him. If it weren't for his love I would not be alive, to celebrate birthdays. I do see drastic changes in my life. If I could tell you one thing, it is most definitely o.k. to weep if you are a guy. This is what God likes. He loves a man that cries. A man who cries is close to God.