I feel wrecked

Sometimes I'm such a hypocrite. I long to live righteously and I get tired of hearing people say," Everyone is hypocrite, Dave. " This not how God wants us to live. I hurt inside because no matter how much I pray and fuss I always end up being hypocritical. I long to live in a way that the world will know that Christ lives in me. I have a nasty temper sometimes. It disappoints me ( breaks my heart) that I punch people back when they punch me. Can I have victory over this? I speak hateful towards people who hate me. Sometimes I really wish I was mean enough to seriously hurt them. God does not let me get to carried away but he does allow me to retaliate. I want so bad for God to take this away from me. It gets harder and harder to not be selfish. I long so badly to just die and go be with God sometimes rather than to sin. Sin tears me apart inside, it cuts me to the heart when I disappoint God. The cross is not enough for me because I love God so much, I wish I didn't need God's grace. I wish God just made us perfect. Will somebody pray for me right now? I am bawling right now and I can't even see the page. I hate to think that we are all doomed to be hypocrites. I have destroyed my witness with people because of my anger. I love God, but sometimes I really do hate my life. If I do everything right, everyone will walk all over me. I look like a bitch to all the people who talk trash to me when I don't do something about it. I can't be a man anymore because of Christ. Sometimes I feel like my heart is be pulled in two directions by tractors. Surrendering your life to God really does make you look like a blooming idiot. Christ is making me insane. I am crazy for Christ because I hate this fucking world we live in and most of the time, I hate the people too. This is what happens when you love people too much. You want to see great thing happen in peoples lives and they hate you for hoping and praying for them. I need help, the kind that only God can give me. Where are you God? I wish I could just quit loving God sometimes.